Archive for January, 2011
Heres my thoughts…
Do you ever wonder about your future? Do you map your life out specifically? Does it actually happen?
I guess since we were little kids, we dreamed of being a doctor, movie star, or teacher… Then we got to Junior High and High school, we continued to dream of what we want to be and where we want to be.. Towards to our Senior year, we dreamed of colleges we wanted to attend at.. The hopes.. The stars we look at night and wish on the stars above, the prayers we say for present and future…
Luckily, there are a percentages of human beings that actually got their dreams coming true, props to the doctors, medical fields and education fields.. Anything they desired to become ever since they were little kids, truly, they are lucky.. Especially, they have foundation with religion and priorities for their families they stick to.. The commitment of their path, the dedication, the strive, the passion they put it into.. I admire the group of people for that…
However, there are percentages of human beings that are working towards on their goals, as we grow, we once thought this was the path we long to be on, yet our souls senses that we have no desire to be on it or cannot be on it due to economy and personal situations that requires back up plan, such as plan A- plan B… Naturally, things happens even once it is out of our hands that we have no control but to postpone it… It is never to late to go back to our Plan A once we achieve other plans…
I had dreams of becoming graphic designer since High School, actually complete college and be married first then have children.. Somehow, my life plan started backwards in some ways.. I did go to college to knock down the requirements for Graphic Design program, yet I had unexpected plan was pregnancy and economic hardship where it led me to take time off from school.. Yet, I do not regret it as I love my daughter more than life, oddly, my plans or life we shall say is alot better than my original plans.. I was young, I had to wake up as soon as she was born and make some serious changes as a mother.. I chose not to drink anymore, break the chain in the acoholism in our family tree, we all have been affected by it and having childhood memories related to acoholism around us.. I simply do not want my daughter around that and grow up to in a healthy environment.. Luckily, I have an amazing parents who set the example to me and my daughter, even parenting role as a mother to be in. However, with my hearing loss, applying jobs in the hearing world can be difficult and frustrating.. I immediately decided to join at a cosmetology school and felt it would be related to an Art field with creativity kind. I mastered my back up plan.. I definitely did not think or prepare myself that I was going to be a single mother at the age of 24, things naturally happens… I had to learn how to embrace with the changes and use my faith into it…
Well, ever since I was little, I used to write odd stories about red eye man wolf, families, dreams.. I used to tell my family I wanted to be a model and be an author.. I was not the best looking child growing up as I had chubby rolls that you could make lips, I thought it was cool.. Okay, that was quite embarrassing to say.. I thought having braces was so cool, so I was very excited to have them at the age of ten.. I did despise wearing glasses and eye patch when I was in kindergarten, I would hide my blue glasses in hot pink 80s color case and shove it into under the desk in my classroom, then my teachers would tell me I would have to put it back on.. I would turn bright pink due embarrassment and be a brat… Hmm, I had night head gear that I wore to bed.. I do not know why I wanted to be a model with all these conditions that led me to insecurity.. My father took many pictures as he was into photography, I think it was more of art and the model expressed their feelings as I would look at children catalogs for beautiful dresses, the girls back then were like colonial, old fashioned dolls looking and I loved that.. I thought it was a fairy tale.. Well, I did some modeling unexpectedly as I had few people contacted me for help for their advertisements or events at the last minute… So unexpectedly, my childhood dream happened even with small jobs.. However, dreamed of being an author, it actually happened strangely as I was pregnant and had nothing to do but write.. It was a perfect timing as I did not think it was going to happen, my book being published.. Even though, I did not make it big.. My writing was published, I met people over my journey that were interested in purchasing my book because they have a deaf child or know a friend who is deaf.. I am blessed for my unexpectedly dreams that been achieved…
As I was talking to my friends and family lately, life has no gaurantees.. Especially with this economy, it does require a back up plan with much effort to put in.. For sure, I do know my future is a mystery, so I take it one day at a time and accept things daily.. I try not to map out specifically, but put few question marks on plans… I ponder… I do not know if I will marry someone else and actually have a family, a house with white picket fence, I do not know where my cosmetology career will take me- will I be a hair stylist for long term or become asethetician or even freelance as make up artist and hairstylist for project jobs(photo shoots for companies).. Will I be able to publish more books or will I start a new path with a different publishing company with different opportunities? What kind of life will my daughter lead to with sports or education? It is all possibilities, but will any of it come true? My father once say, you can be in 40s wanting to change career path and go back to college to get a degree or certification in something else..When retire, you could want to change lanes to something you long to do? Just because we were taught to go to college and get a degree, he said it happens as we get older and have to change plans because of the paths we are on.. It is never late to change something.. It does take a big risk, but as long as you can put your heart to it and stick to it, things will occur smoothly…It is part of our journeys…
I have been running my life from rosey sunrise to golddusk sunset… I have not had time to myself as I commit my life to my daughter only 100% as I work for her needs and truly, taking care of her throughtout the clock.. Well today, I took her to preschool.. It has been difficult just to get her to the classroom and after I get out of work, I pick her up.. She literally walks 1 mph purposely, going through every each classroom, every corner, every office… No matter what, it drains me.. So today, she continues with this behavior and I had to go to work, I was ten minutes late due to this 1 mph walk avdventurous child.. I cried on the way to work as I get
our stuff ready for the day, get myself in work outfit and my daughter have to dress herself or else.. Then I went to pick her up, she didn’t want to leave.. She wanted lolipops from offices but screaming and slapping is not happening for her to have lolipops.. I have dealt with this often, but this day with bad day at work and weird week with situations going on.. I cried again on way home.. I called mom and she asked “what’s wrong.” I started letting my tears fall down as waterfall as my voice was gasping for air.. I told mama about my day and my daughter’s behavior.. I get home, we sat down and talked to her..
It can be hard to deal with my own personal siuations, most importantly I am learning how to discipline terrible twos by myself as
This morning, she aced the routine that I told her she made mommy very happy as she held my hand entire way and smiled at me widely.. Then this evening, she behaved well and obeyed.. I treated her mcdonalds small sized mcflurry and she shared it with her play buddy.. I met my long time friend and her daughters there for our girls to play for an hour..
” the moment a child is born,the mother is also born.she never existed before.the woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new” rajneesh
A man’s work is from sun to sun. A mother’s work is never done. Anonymous
The quickest way for a parent to get child’s attention is to sit down and look comfortable- lane olinghouse
* I tried this method, works very well as kids loves to see our reactions and go crazier but if we remain calm and sit down then talk to them*
Mothers- especially single mothers-are heroic in their efforts to raise
our nation’s children, but men must also take responsibility for their children and recognize the impact they have on their families well-being -Evan bayh
Your children need your presence more than your presents- Jesse Jackson
* I cannot afford presents to my daughter, my presence is more important then anything.. We do activities together or do just simple things… I learned our memories are special by spending time together as I focus on her more than anything:-)
I really appreciated what my parents have done for me and my daughter,truly… I wouldn’t be where I am today emotionally with my daughter as I’m level headed, keep trying with my goals and help with my daughter..
Cheers to a new year and another chance for us to get it right -oprah Winfrey
Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow
One resolution I have made, and try always keep,is this-to rise above the little things- John Burroughs
We will open the book. The pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called “opportunity” and it’s first chapter is New Year’s Day- Edith l. Pierce
Write it on your heart that every day is the best day in the year – Ralph Waldo Emerson
Life is a poem, every year is a song..
The road not take
Poet grant ngobean
The only religion is kindness- dalai lama
Just for today, I will let go of anger. Just for today, I will let go of worry.today, I will count my many blessings. Today, I will do my work honestly. Today, I will be kind to every living creature- mikao usui
If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to
be happy, practice compassion-the dalai lama
Hope you enjoy the quotes and few suggested poems to pull up to read…
New hour, new day, new month, new year… It is never too late to start over and see our trying results with compassion…
Being deaf can be frustrating… Sometimes I just wish I was in different world where I don’t have frustrations with my deafness.. I would not trade my deafness for hearing strangely because this is who I am and accepted it.. I like the ability to volume my hearing or completely not listen to others simply…
As world expands as I grow a year older with opportunities and challenges, I can get frustrated with hearing people I meet thus far where I have been in crowd as conversations goes, I follow but I would get lost due to distraction of noises or laughter.. I simply have asked “you mean, (name) right? ” just to verify, literally I have witnessed my eyes to their eyes as they know I asked a question band they continued chatting away as my soul feels wind pushing me thousands miles backwards from crowd…
Luckily, I have good friends from growing up understands me the most… Truly, I feel normal just frustrations with hearing world who have no kindness to help to answer my question or respect me as people can judge just the cover of book before giving others chances…
My daughter is hearing, my world is safe as she is in my arms as soon as we get home after work/preschool.. My challenges keeps coming to me until I sleep for 8 hours as soon as I wake up, life is unpredictable as I am deaf living in hearing world.. This deaf wonder woman is battling the hearing world with no hearing… I fight and protect myself and my daughter from no kindness and fly through wind spiritually paving the path for me and my daughter..
I thought my life would slow down after getting through the holidays and the state boards in December… As my friend and I went to a Martini Ranch for a concert… As I shivered outside after the concert and talking to the band members/manager, sounds of fireworks and two clubs cheered on with their glasses and screaming for 2011 to come.. I thought to myself, finally, it is a new year… Not that 2010 was a bad year, it was definitely the most challenging year that I found myself the most, it is like my own key to my own heart, I listened to my innerself to handle situations properly. Yet, I think January can be a fuzzy month for all of us as high expectations for the year and it takes more than just over night to get to our goals.. However, I had few interesting weeks… My daughter was in tuscon for a long weekend, I got to see her father and his family which was always nice.. I am truly thankful for a good relationship with them, even with the father.. Yet, I am sure we can be irritated with each other personally but we do not show it and we do have at least a good communication for our daughter not to be affected by it.. However, I worked almost everyday at one point when she was out of town and she came back home with a fever, so I ended up missing a day of work to be at home with her since she could not go to school that day… Then the next day, my friend Brooke came over at 830 am as I did root retouch coloring, shampooed her, quickly get my daughter ready as she is at the stage of picking her own clothes out and put them on herself, if one little tiny thing needed to be fixed, she takes her clothes off and starts all over again. So I carefully dealt with her getting dressed as we had to be out to the door for her follow up appointment from her surgery, just ear tube and adenoids… Brooke joined us, we were at the doctors office for 2 and half hours and we saw the doctor for like few minutes… We rushed home for Brooke to go to her appointment to meet her friend, I gathered stuff for our next appointment was my first dog, Skeeter’s vet appointment at animal hospital where Brooke works at, she met us there so she can help me out with Makayla as it was a challenged to take my jittery dog and hyper toddler alone to deal with the examination process.. As Brooke arrived and took Makayla out of the room while I dealt with my dog and the vet, Brooke and I chatted for awhile afterwards… We apart on our own ways to home, I have spent rest of my time running my daughter to preschool as she sobbed in my arms wanting us to go home, as she has a running nose, she rubbed her booger nose on my work tops for three days in a row as I shake my head and think to myself, I am such a mom…Then I go to work, I have dealt with work and clients as its always a challenge as it is all new to me in cosmetology field…I would leave work and go pick my daughter up, just hoping she would cooperate with me and walk to the car immediately not many routes to slow the process… She fairly did well.. We get home and went for a stroller walk with my mother for few nights in a row, 2 and half miles walk as I am exhausted and just want to be home in comfies and eat! We watched a movie and as usual, I read books to my daughter out on the couch.. My grandmother and uncle have visited me at work which was very nice to see, even though my grandmother wasnt making any sense but its always good seeing her no matter what… I just feel like I am still on a go, I texted my friend who is a single mother of two young girls that no matter how PREPARED I am, I still run out of time or things have gone from plan a to plan b to further long with motherhood and work life… Yes, I pack my daughter’s lunch the night before, our clothes are layed out, I charge my cell and my hearing device the night before for the next day, things continue to spontaneously surprises me.. Even at work… Then evening lifestyle.. Today, my daughter and I joined my friend, Brooke, her sister and father for brunch.. We were at the restaurant for two hours.. My angel did well, we get home, she started acting out as being tired and refused a nap, so we watched Toy Story in my room while I was cleaning and putting clothes away, she discovered nail polish as I pained her nails afterwards, blue and pink colors:) However, she went out to the treasure box and pulled out her costumes and tried on every costume she saw, I was exhausted at the point where my eyes would just get smaller and smaller fighting to stay awake.. We had to run to Costcos to get gas as gas is going up to 3.17-3.22 per gallon- okay, what is GOING ON??? scary…. We had to run in to get butter and dog food, Makayla was still in her costume and winter coat, shouting as being overtired.. I pushed the cart all the way to the back of the parking lot with my father who joined us, I myself unloaded the cart which I wasnt thrilled as “I WANT PIZZA!” in tears as I am running around the car loading the car up to go home… Finally, relaxing evening as I continued cleaning the house and entertain my daughter.. I just love her, but unexpected moments can exhausts me.. People say, why sleep, i will catch up on sleep when I die.. I do not stand by that motto as I want sleep…:)
I found a letter in my room as I wrote a few months ago, it is very similiar to recent post to my daughter…
Since you were born, I have loved you in many ways that words cannot be described… You have taught me in simple matter that I can be a mother with my deafness. As you coo, I woo at your precious angel face, lovely small fingers as you would cling onto my finger. Carrying you for eight and half months, I loved your kicks after my bowl of Rice Krispies with sugar then you longed to be in my arms and my tummy after you were born. We named you “ Makayla Rose” as it defines as “who resembles as god”
After hours passed by since you were born, I learned to be a mother as you signaled me magically what you needed. With my deafness, we were able to communicated without words as long as we were together.
At the age of 10 months, you said your first word “Mama” so often immediately after your first word, your father and I was beyond excited with your development and how cute you were, of course you are such a beautiful angel to this day… You took your first steps at the age of 11 months, I watched you with my own eyes as you explored the world in your eyes. It was such a joy to see you being amazed at simple things in life which reminded me to see the beauty of life again.
Did you know you have changed my life forever? You came in my life for a reason. With your small heart as if it seems you had a big soul from day one, you have opened my eyes to see things clear what I needed to change. I had you when I was 23, I changed lanes of lifestyle and listened to my inner soul what needed to be done. Thank you for changing me to the best person I have been to this day since you were born, you have given me streghth, confident, and faith. Your smile simply was like angelic music, you kept going and show no sadness.
I am sorry that things did not work out the way it was supposed to with your father and I, it had absolutely nothing to do with you. Only, we wanted you to have the best of life that offers you, you have made such an incredible progress on this journey. Your father and I simply love you just the way you are, you have been 100% beyond what we wished for since the day we found out we were having a girl. You have been a miracle. We both love you and we are very proud and honored to have you as our daughter as you amazes us daily…
From morning sun light to evening moon light, you have developed daily and helped me learn who I am as well. I appreciate your simple valuable lessons of life. Your infectous just gives me butterflies, you have brought joy to all of us. You have motivated me to go to school and published a book as I wanted to be the best mom I can be for you.
Here you are today, you are two and half years old, you have had many changes in positive way already and keep growing out of cocoon into a butterfly. You have quite imagination, you are a story teller of your day life. I have many dreams for you, whatever happens, I will accept your own dreams as I truly love you and want you to be happy with your own decisions… Remember, I will always be here for you, you have an amazing support from family on mommy’s side and daddy’s side and friends.. Most of all, God will be by your side.. Simply, do not give up, do not fall on your knees, I have and it isnt easy, just keep your head up and keep sailing through many chapters. You are already dancing and singing like Taylor Swift or Judy Garland, you can dance throughout life as long as you have happiness and positivity.. You will always be my baby girl, thank you for accepting my deafness and loving me as your mother, I am truly blessed.
Love your mama
Sky is gray with shades of the sun rays, I park my car in the parking lot reliving my first day of school as the girl I used to be to this moment as of today. Year ago, vision me as 5 inches hair regrowth, shy, sad, no makeup or jewelry on, walking around consciously. Throughout the year, I was like one of those celebrities in Vogue magazine of twenty hairstyles of a celebrity. Today, I am such a stronger woman, with an update hair style, makeup, jewelry, being 10 times more confident, smiling around, comfortably walking in this soul of mine. I enter the classroom, the class starts to clap until I sit down, all blushing. Today, is my last day of 1600 hours program. I have few hours left, I start to walk around the building. Memories travels with voices as it feels like old movies playing, every room has a living memory of my journey. Feeling like life is a tree, each branch grows with leaves and flowers for each chapter. You grow and grow… I felt this was one part of branch of my tree. Often telling friends they must keep on growing, there will be several new chapters of life.. Fighting this low immune system of mine from recently taking care of my daughter’s cold, a gigtantic card handing to me with everyone’s wishes for my graduation. However, a friend from highschool came by for few hours to entertain me until the end, she have witnessed me walking to clock out.. Also, my other good friend who graduated few days before me came to school with flowers and passion iced tea from starbucks to watch me clock out… All of sudden, everyone pitching in for surprise potluck, seeing two cakes that fit my personality very clearly which taste divinely… Pizza has been delivered, an urge to wrap things up, announcing I will be clocking out in few minutes. Since our school does not do graduations, we stand in the hallway cheer for the graduate to clock out. My friend video tape my moment as I start to walk from end of hallway, girls and staff line up as I walk by cheering me on. I nervously head to the computer, the last time I will see my name on the computer as I clock out. Silence for a moment until I start to swipe, cheering and I turn around with a little tear drops. Reaching to my friends for hugs, I pause for a moment and wave my hand up in the air for everyone to see as I catch my breath and say “ Thank you everyone for everything”… As everyone starts to get teary, I say my goodbyes and my graduated friend who vistited me earlier helping me to wheel my suitcases of hair supplies out to my car.
I drive away in busy pages of the book of my life as the salon was busy, the traffic hits on the freeway, getting home to drive my mother to the aiport, and coming home to my night routine with my daughter. I realize that I have absolutely nothing to do on the next day except go back to school to bring flowers to a graduate. Morning went by, my body was used to such a fast pace in school life. I got dressed, finally not a black uniform! I went to school, it felt different. It is like you were in a relationship with someone, then you guys break up, you thought you were not over the person until you meet and realize you are over it and ready to move on feeling? I felt like that with the school environment, my mind, my thoughts, my inner balance was cleared and a sense was given to me that I was ready to move on. Even with my lifestyle, I wanted more better things for me and my daughter that I was itching to get started.
I visioned me as my daughter and I walked in a long pretty country dresses with long hair of ours, we held hands to walk to this gate of a new road. As you can see the back of us ready to embark our journey after we overcome square one to square three. Yet, I must trust in God that he will lead us to it. Proverb 3:5-6
5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight
I strongly feel connected to this ” You think you know, but you have no idea” as my story ever since childhood to motherhood to this day, nobody truly knows what I went through… As I continue to meet new people daily, they just assume things about me or I dont have any struggles.. Yet, as I style hair or makeup on clients or meeting people outside of work, they think I am just a deaf young woman as they never would of thought I would be a deaf single mother at the age of 26 with a two and half year old daughter… Yep, that is right… I think I lived in fear or with low self esteem of how people react to me as a young girl to beginning of my motherhood.. After being a single mom, I no longer feel the fear.. I have to be tough and be everything to my daughter’s eyes, the best example/role model to her… I am almost at the end of tunnel living soul free/spirit free as she taught me small things and big things matters, see the beauty of life, laugh and dance with life what it has offer to us… Of course, challenges were coming ahead where I had to figure things out and how to deal with them emotionally and clear headed-mentally.. I dealt with being single for first time in 4 and half years, I dealt with possibilities, I dealt with her father, the love we had and his new gf, I dealt with my daughter’s needs throughout the clock daily and finding resources to survive for her education and mine to get ahead,etc. I was not happy for a long time as a teen to beginning of motherhood, I realized I have to make big changes and get to the point where I emotionally want to be at.. I was very sheltered by family and friends, yet I was a shy, naive girl getting to the point where I have no problems expressing my thoughts to public people, I can do anything I set my mind to after seeing my results as single mom and graduated now liscenced costmetologist on my single motherhood journey… I am very thankful today… Although, I feel like Britney Spears strangely as I am writing this, why? Because she was trying to change her young girl image to independent image, she went through breakup with justin and kevin as her first love and her husband trying to survive, with acohol, images, finding herself.. Okay, readers, I am not that severe compared to her, but just examples… Not a little girl anymore but yet a woman… I am getting to the top of mountain very close as my daughter is on my hip for our futures…
I told my “mother in law” that I was not given a book how to deal with the situation as a single or deaf mother raising baby to terrible twos stages, I dont know what to do but grab the ropes and swing with it to learn and survive.. She did tell me that I am doing great as a mother and how she is proud of me, which put my heart at ease to hear it from her:)
After all, being with my daughter who loves the princesses and the stories, she threw her shoe out the window while driving, as I asked her about it later on, she was saying how she was a cinderella leaving her shoe out there for the prince to find her… She tells me to be the princess as she would brush my hair (painfully but cute) and jewerly on, I feel like a princess who have had many struggles throughout life and working hard to make things right, I long desire for happy ending where my heart is at ease, no worrisome for my daughter and myself to survive, and just actually enjoy the fairytale…
How did my new journey started? First of all, lets start out with story when my daughter was born…
Since my daughter was born, I took care of her everyday while being my grandmother’s caregiver as we lived with her for one year. I took this step for win- win situation was my grandmother need a new caregiver, I had no job, we moved to phoenix from Tucson, and I was not prepared for my daughter to be in child care yet. It was a rough year, sure there were good and bad memories there. Little did I know that challenges was coming to me instantly with no warnings… First of all, I dealt with being not only as a deaf young woman, I dealt with being a deaf young mother of hearing daughter.. I had to learn how to be a mom and rescue her with mommy comfort.. I remember my first night, I was left alone for many hours with my daughter, I panicked as she was few days old… My heart beat went faster and faster… I cried as I did not know what to do but watch her over the rail of her crib in the dark with night light on… She cried as it was time for her feeding, I get her fed and back to sleep.. I headed back to the rail of the crib, I texted her father asking when he would be home and my friends for support… After that experience, I just felt I cannot live in fear and let deafness gets me, I felt I could be alone no matter what to be with her and be the mother who can do anything not letting deafness stop me… I continue on with my soul and no sounds from far way to do my duties, I conciously keep checking on my daughter throughout the day and night.. As day goes by, my instincts was getting stronger with no sounds that I would feel something in my heart as my pulse would beat faster that I would immediately check on her, she would start to react as baby soft cries or waking up that it was just in perfect timing to rescue her. My daughter slept in her crib next to our bed as it was a two bedroom town home, her clothes was out in the closet in hallway as I decorated it nicely and had nice scrap book stickers of flowers and her name on the bar of the closet. It was such a beautiful closet, I shall say as you can simply touch your hand from one end to other onto the clothes all organized by color and organization all around. Pardon me, for perfectionist in that closet as I was nesting during my pregnancy…
I learned how to let it go with my fear of being a deaf mother because I had no time to live in it, I quickly stepped on rollercoaster ride to take care of my daughter and my grandmother…
During the year, as I relive my memory, my daughter started out as 6.2 lbs and 18.5 inches long growing as a caterpillar into a butterfly as days goes by… Her hair got lighter, smile with baby teeth growing, sleeping schedules changing frequently as well as feeding schedule. While juggling with joy to jump on her schedule to mine as well as living around my grandmother’s schedule; three times during the day was the hardest because it was their feeding/bathroom schedule. Going back and forth with these two, laundry was piling up so was the dishes in sink… My daughter started to crawl, my grandmother with altziemers sometimes thought it was her own baby watched her crawling as she got nervous…It was not easy to calm someone with altziemers. I got to the point of good memories with my grandmother and my daughter; I was my grandmother’s favorite baby of all time in her life. She was my favorite grandmother as she would rock me in the chair, had a special way of love to me, she would tolerate my deaf tone singing and frustrations as she would immediately hold me as she is “God” with her special skills throughout my childhood. I was attached to her…Wind of memories in my head as I held her hand in the black limo after my grandfather’s memorial services as my grandfather passed away few years ago, she came to all my exciting events such as high school dances and my birthdays as she brought over roses according to my middle name and her name while she baked my favorite dishes. I no longer could tell her important things of my life as she could not understand. Truly, I have been affected by this disease my grandmother have as we were strangers to each other as I realized I blocked memories after spending 365 days with her and watch her fade with her memory problem… But to this day, I keep remembering the good things she have done for my family… My daughter has special time with both of her grandmothers.. I want her to maintan all the memories she can get with both set of grandparents…Secretly, she remembers me and my daughter very well. Mornings throughout the days were chasing my daughter trying to walk around her house, there were antique items, glass items, and furniture spaces were crowded from one to another… I finally sent an email to my family that I was giving them a month and half notice for them to find a caregiver because my daughter needed the best so did I for career and enjoy the moments as a family…
I headed to a path where we had very litttle income as a family, our grocery shopping was pretty much for my daughter to survive…At night, I would stress how to move forward and support… I was given two kittens as a surprise gift and first time owner of cats, we had to give them away..My car had no air conditioning, no brakes, it was much in needed repair as in fear of driving it daily to get to places…I cried many nights with worrisome for my daughter’s future and as a mother’s position… I ended up making the decision and be a single mom as I moved back home to my parents to start a completely brand new journey just for my daughter’s future.
Little, did I know my life was going to change very drastically very soon?
To My daughter
You are absolutely my sunshine who simply brings a smile to my face… From the first night you layed in your crib, you cooed in morning with tiny lips as mornings goes by; you still give me butterflies as my heart would flutter.. You keep me moving to my dreams faster than I planned as you motivated me as I want the best things for you..
My little rose, as you blossom each petal on our journey, you are beautiful as you take my breath away ..
Your hands touch mine with that little freckle on it, instantly I feel mother and daughter’s bond without sounds as you calmly squeezed my fingers with your big baby eyes gazing at mine..
As you went from baby things you grasped onto so quickly, now you long to learn how things work and be little miss independent slowly.. You already know your mama is deaf as you always ask me “what is that noise, mama?” I would listen closely and figure it out, when you put your soft hands on my face and look at my eyes, you know who I am as you would smile and lay on my chest… Simply, you love me for who I am and I love you for who you are…
As I stayed at school late getting hours, I stare out to the window praying to god to give me stregnth to graduate and get career to support us.. Hours at work, I collect whatever I can bring home to you and me… You give me no tears, just motivation as you brought the stars closer for me to reach..
Everytime I see you, from far or near distance,you take my breath away everytime as your big smile just completes my soul as you rush to me and squeezed me as I touch your curly hair, you have a way of making my days be at eased as you taught me how to dance in the rain
( quote: life isnt about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the rain)
Your laughter brings silliness to my character as I goof and let go of life.. You’re my life, my sun, my moon, my star, my best friend and my everything who completes me.. I thank above for picking me to be your mother as I am blessed to have you as my baby girl..
As you and I walk together, I cherish our memories and look forward to many more.. I love you very much and cannot wait to see what our future holds for us..